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For there is a reason under the sun...

It has been over 5 years since B and I met. In some ways it seems longer and in some ways it seems like the other day. I watch my friends slowly pair up with a partner, have babies and settle down. Often it does take a toll on me wondering WHEN will it be my turn? When will I have the amazing man, the beautiful baby, the stories about breastfeeding, and talking about potty training. WHAT in the world has B given me, except a migraine, gray hair, and bouts of IBS? I have spent a great deal of time thinking about this.
We went to the wedding last weekend. We had an absolute blast; the most fun we have EVER EVER had. I know I have said that before...but I do feel we had a blast. The wedding was beautiful and we had fun dancing, laughing, swimming, and drinking. This is where I become torn and slightly like a hypocrite. We BOTH drank. How can I tell him, no, not you, but I can...it's something that I struggle with.
After the wedding, we went to my parents house and he went to meet my dad for the first time. Looking back I have conflicting views about the fact that the first time he met my dad he was drunk. The longer time passes the more I realize that it was wrong. It was plain wrong. He sat in the family room talking about "our" wedding and he even dropped the "f-bomb" in front of my parents. We went back to my house, ordered pizza and stayed on the couch and chatted. I learned a great deal about him. The deep seeded hurt that he is dealing with, that only HE can deal with...he is not willing to get help or stop drinking...he is depressed.
The following day we spent together watching Jerry Maguire in a bad thunderstorm in bed. It was the sober B.
I am so torn as to how I feel it's crazy...
I think that the only thing I can do now is head to Al-Anon.

Good, Bad, and Ugly

Do you ever wonder why some things are in abundance and some things are scarce?


I often wonder...


Much has happened since my last blog, almost a full month ago.


4th of July came as it always does...never have plans up until the last minute and it is always down in the city (except when down the shore...). I spent the day with my family and dog firming up plans with some good friends to go into the city. I was talking to B often...like really often...there was definitely something different about him and he seemed happier than he had been in quite some time.


I get down to the city and head to this really nice party in Fairmount. Lots of very nice people and PERFECT weather. As I was there the text messages from B start flying in left and right...wanting to know where I was, if I was going to watch Sheryl Crow and the fireworks, etc...overzealous pretty much sums it up...and moreover, a bit exaggerated considering he had said that he was not interested in a relationship. I proceeded to head down to listen to some awesome angry girl music...we had a great time with him in the background texting away finding out where I was,etc.


We decide to watch the fireworks on the roofdeck and in turn meet up with B on the corner before he heads down with his friends. As always, it is great seeing him and so natural. I know his friends and it was nice seeing them as well. I left my phone on the beach chair and perched myself on the corner of the deck so I could see the fireworks...things at this point started smelling "fishy"...he asked me if there was any way I could get someone to watch the dog tonight...really really odd as well as him saying that he was staying at his place that night (remember he lives at home with his siblings and parents about 40 minutes from the city). Hmmmm....halibut perhaps was the smell...I kid...


So after fireworks we met up at the local bar that he and I would go to when we were dating. When I arrived ALL...ALL of his friends were there. Not going to lie...it is always nice being around his friends. They are all funny and always welcoming with me. I have never felt like I didn't belong. Everyone was very happy to see me....hugs all around...some of these guys I have known since I was 14 and great to be around them.


The "halibut smell" continues when there were a few people I did not know...but by golly, B was going to make sure that was to be changed. He would YELL...LOUDLY...to get the attention of the person who had never been graced with my presence...despite them being in conversation, heading to the bathroom, or on the phone...by george, B was going to make sure they met me/presented me is more like it. For instance, this poor guy Phil was in a pretty deep conversation it seemed when B called/yelled "PHIL! PHIL! HEY PHIL!! PHIL!!! This is L."


I know this sounds trite. It probably is, but it brought back so many fond memories for me when we FIRST met and started seeing each other when he would LOVE to introduce me to anyone who would listen...would go over to the OTHER end of the bar to drag someone he knew back in fourth grade to meet me (yes, that actually DID happen...). He always puts his hand on the small of my back when he does it as well and my hand one hand is extended to the person and the other is touching B. It's a well-oiled machine that has been going on for 6 summers now.


I suppose some people take things like that for granted, but those little things we do and know we do and are little habits melt my heart. It's like being wrapped in some sort of soft blanket that you have had for ages...he feels the same way.


One of the people he introduced me to was his cousin, M. I don't know why I had never hung out with her before. She is ridiculously fabulous. I asked B why he had been keeping her away for so long. We clicked immediately. How they are related is beyond me...she is awesome. I was mid conversation and she stopped me mid sentence and said "you are really pretty". I was like, "um...thank you?" and she proceeded to say, "no, you are like REALLY REALLY pretty..." she would look to B to me almost in disbelief. I always find it amusing when that happens and it does happen a few times here and there...moreso when we first started dating years ago ( I was a hot little thing back then!! :)). We would go out and his friends would ask me how much he paid me to be with him. I thought it was funny; I am not sure how he thought.


So, back to 4th (well, now the 5th) of July...


My friends, who were a bit tipsy, went back home and I stayed with B. We had a great time and our group took over the WHOLE block...lots of fun. The only thing was that he was drinking. Definitely not drunk when I got there but I noticed the cell phone never came out but was triple fisting. Still not sure why he feels when I am around the booze comes out...I think it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out.



He mentioned again about someone watching the dog. Finally I asked what his deal was...he said he was staying at his place in Northern Liberties...shocked that I was JUST finding this news and again, not going to lie, my brain started spinning as to decorating it just the way we had planned in Pittsburgh. He started describing it to me and I COULD NOT wait to get my hands on it...FINALLY I thought....on the right track. Sadly, this was not the case. He then broke it to me that he was house/cat sitting for his best friend and new wife while they were on their honeymoon. He proceeded to tell everyone he was living in Northern Liberties. His self esteem is in the toilet. Clearly.

Well, all good things come to an end...end of the night was fast approaching and no one was going to take care of my dog, but me. So I agreed to drop him off at "his house" which was about 20 blocks from my car. It was fine at the time...but when it took almost an hour (no joke) to even FIND my car as we paraded ALL (and I do mean ALL) over Fairmount...streets we didn't even know exisited. It was fun actually...I would squat down to read the street signs through the trees and shout, "almost there!!" and he would respond with "You have been saying that for 10 blocks now! I'm not buying it!" As we were "discussing" one of the last blocks, a couple came out of an apartment building and we chuckling at our banter and the girl turns around saying..."I know you....B!!!!" OF COURSE you do...I mean, why wouldn't you! They went to college together.

By the time we get to my car, I seriously was exhausted. It was close to 3am and all I wanted to do was pee and go to bed. The thought of driving 20 blocks to turn around in the opposite direction home alone at 3am was not appealing to me. As well, as not happening. As he noticed he was heading to my part of the city he protested saying he wanted to stay at "his place".

He ended up at my house...

To sum it up, we spent the night together into the next morning, doing breakfast and then napping downtown while watching a movie...

After that day, I hear nothing from him...for days...for some reason, he picked some small conversation we had and decided to harbor some anger about it. The question was, "Do you like your job? What interests you?" That was it.

Minor drama happened following, but we decided that no longer would we go through the ridiculous drama that was unnessesary...

Bad Decisions

Soooo, going to cut to the point. I have a wedding to attend in August. August 1st to be exact. I just realized that I did not have a date. I was at the shower and realized I needed a date. I immediately scroll my phone/address book. Married, bad break up, will get the wrong idea, haven't talked to him in ages, NOT wedding material, lives far away, maybe...nah..would be weird...

Sooooo, hashed it over with some friends. Everyone in my world said an EMPHATIC NO to bringing B. I think Empatic is actually an understatement. In fact, one girlfriend would prefer I bring a prisioner that was on parole over bringing B.

For a couple of weeks now, one of my girlfriends got on Match.com in lieu of me. She clearly stated that she was my friend and was screening men for me. She is having a complete blast. This was in response to when I asked B if he wanted to date again and he said no. He had no interest and didn't want to do it. It stung, and despite him saying it was not easy for him to say to me, it was for the best. I have to move on...he gave me permission to do so. I started seeing a therapist a few months back and has been great. She is not terribly judgemental and gives good suggestions and thoughts.

So I went on two dates via my good friend (H). The first guy and I spent hours on the phone chatting up. We totally clicked despite knowing full well, he not only knew B, BUT rowed with him...oh yeah...seriously. I am not joking. This is my life. I cannot CANNOT get away from him. Somehow, some way, it all comes back to him. In any event, we chatted for like 4 days and then decided to meet for breakfast. To say he misrepresented himself was an understatement. I was not initially attracted to him but thought, ok, MAYBE I could get to like him a bit and "maybe" kiss him. It went all downhill when he said B's last name and got into something regarding the bedroom. I wanted to punch him and his humungo glasses in the face. Clearly that was the end of that...clearly.

I started getting stressed about these dates. Very stressed about these dates. I know I have to do them, and I know I am going to have some good and bad ones. The killer about the bad ones is that it makes me miss B terribly. I mean, get in my car and tear up kind of miss. Then it turns to anger that it is because of him that I am even going on these stupid dates.

Candidate #2 the folowing day was nice. Simple and nice. He didn't light the world on fire or anything and compared himself to Jon Gosselin...which yes, concerned me of his whipping boy qualities. It was a first date and he was kind of cute and very polite. He wrote my friend to thank her for introducing us and called me a bright sunshine. Again, sweet, right? He didn't insult me, my ex, or family. He wasn't offensive and he paid. Not terrible. But still drove off with a tear streaming down my face missing B for all it's worth.

I am dating. Kicking and screaming. But I am dating. And during the dates I am having fun. It's almost like therapy and I sometimes pretend I am on a reality show to take the pressure off. I am learning a bit about myself and what I am looking for and what I do not like. This is not a bad thing. I know this. My brain knows this. My heart...well, my heart is fighting this one tooth and nail. Sometimes I actually feel physical pain from missing him so much. It's not the idea of him, it's him. It's his voice, his jokes, it's his initmate knowledge of knowing me. It has to be forced out of my mind to not head to his house, knock on the door and scream and yell at him for hurting me.

So on to the wedding...

Panic mode set in, and figure ok...let's use stats here...I have asked me to MANY MANY events...ranging from babysitting, dinner, golf, dinner with family, movies, breakfast, etc. and he was declined (or simply not shown up...unless it has to do with the dog, he will always show up for her...).

So I figure I was batting super low...chances of him going to a strangers matrimony ceremony would totally be in the toilet on a sunny August Saturday morning, right? He would be at another wedding, someone's birthday, kidney transplant, someone was planning on dying...a myriad of things! So, what the heck...told him no pressure, no expectations, just us having a good time at a garden wedding...what does he say?? "Sure". The man says sure.

Sure.

Um, ok. After staring at it for what was an eternity. I was speechless. My friends, on the other hand, were not. They had LOTS to say. All in all, no one wants to see me get hurt. And I can't blame them. The fact he agreed is a shock to me...and I have had a couple days now to process it.

We did the friends thing a couple of years ago. In fact, we did it last January. I went to visit him in Pittsburgh and had no thoughts of anything. I fell asleep watching a movie and he carried me two stories to the bedroom. I made sure nothing happened with us eventhough he wanted it to. I turned my back to him. The following night, he got so very drunk that we slept in two separate bedrooms (he slept in the living room...I was so mad). That was the first time we ever did that. Ironically, I got the best night's sleep I ever got in my entire life. I don't remember ever sleeping that soundly. The next day he felt really disappointed in himself and made sure I left on good terms.

We went out a few times as just friends and we have a good time. It's an odd intimacy we have with one another. It's very unique and special.

In any event, so I've got myself this wedding in exactly 32 days. Lots can happen in 32 days. I am nervous to explain this to my therapist Wednesday.

If I find Prince Charming from now till then, I will bring him. I am leaving it in God's hands. It is always in His hands anyway...but really have faith in that He knows what He is doing and will protect my heart always.

Good. Grief.

Michael Jackson...

I was not anticipating feeling the way I feel about the death of Michael Jackson. I was at a Habachi dinner with a few friends when my best friend sent me a text saying: Michael Jackson is in a coma! I wrote back with Oh. My. God. It was then followed by: He's dead!

I immediately got on my Blackberry and tried to Google what the heck happened and like the rest of the world, I was blocked.

I sit, a few hours still stunned. I am not sure why. Granted, I enjoy motown more than the average joe...I always have and always will appreciated the great musical talent he was. I suppose his music brings me amazing memories throughout my life.

I remember when I was first exposed to Michael Jackson. I was about 5 years old. I remember watching the Motown 25 special. I was sitting on the floor with my Smurf tv tray wearing my pink tutu eating and on the screen came a man with a white glove standing on a stage with people screaming. I remember I stopped eating and from the first sound of the base and beat I was captivated. I wanted to hear Billie Jean over and over and over again. Being such a young child, my parents gave me the Chipmunk version of the Thriller album. I played and played and played it. When Bad came out, my dad got the album and I remember playing it on my Fisher Price record player. I would listen to Jackson 5 tapes and dance around. Our family vacations in Florida, we stayed in the same hotel as Michael Jackson and I remember waiting on the balcony seeing if I could catch a glimpse of him and Bubba the chimp.

Growing up now as an adult, I have countless memories of dancing with my friends to his songs in bars and parties. When I met B, Wanna Be Starting Something was playing in the background. Driving to my grandmother's funeral, Will You Be There, gave me comfort. Doing my first 5K, I started each workout with Billie Jean. My good friend loved PYT and I would smile each time I heard it as well as it was playing constantly during my summers at the beach. "The Way You Make Me Feel" used to be B's ring on my phone and would jolt me awake often. Man in the Mirror will always inspire me and I remember when Obama won they played it over and over again.

I think what puts it over the edge was during my time working at the children's hospital I met a truly remarkable young man. He was 13 years old and had cardiomyopathy. He was going to die if he did not have a transplant. What kept him going, each and every day, was his countless videos of Michael Jackson and the Jackson 5. He would watch "ad nauseum" documentaries about Michael and his family and his childhood...he knew every song and every move. He used to get a kick out of me attempting the moonwalk. I had to wait one day at the hospital for my friend and he and I watched the made for tv movie. When my sweet boy passed away, I drove away from the hospital and Jackson 5 came on my radio and I knew he was in heaven. "Gone Too Soon" was a healing piece of music for me during that tough time.

I believe that Michael Jackson's music has touched each one of us.

Rest In Peace, Michael.

Grey Street

So today I found out that Dave Matthews is coming out with a new CD. I swear for some reason, DMB is the only CD I find that I actually purchase. Lionel Richie came out last week and I didn't even buy that!

Dave Matthews Band I think just has a deeper meaning in my life than all the rest. When Dave became popular I was a sophomore in high school. I have WONDERFUL memories of going to concerts in New Jersey on the waterfront with all of my high school friends at the end of the school year. I remember looking up at the stars in the sky and surrounded by all of my girlfriends (and some guys...including B) and thanking God. It was those moments that I remember feeling incredibly free...The wind was blowing from the water, Dave was playing, we were all on the lawn dancing and singing and drinking causing our raucous as usual. I think it's hard to put into words but everyone has had moments like that that make you feel warm and cozy and safe.

This was before text messages, car payments, jobs, babies, husbands, dogs, or basically any responsibility...it was simple. It was pure.

Do I long for those days from time to time? Do I sometimes pop in a Dave CD and turn OFF my cell phone in the car and smile and tear up with emotion? The answer to both is yes.

It's funny how music can really grab you and bring back a flood of emotions...good, or bad, happy or sad.

As I write this with Grey Street playing in the background, I find that maybe one of the reasons I have had a difficult time letting go of B is for the simple fact that he reminds of that time in my life, when things were simple and pure. And perhaps letting him completely go, is letting go of a bit of that simple life, that purity. It's hard to recognize that he is no longer that guy...it's sort of letting go of a dream I suppose...I don't know this new B and that's really hard for me to grasp. The people in my life are indeed my family, good and bad...it is quite the motley crew...no two of them are REMOTELY alike. It actually makes me smile thinking of how diverse they are but put them in a room with some drinks and food and they all get along. I guess there has to be a common ground besides the fact that they all know me and I am not quite sure what it is. Perhaps it is the fact that the core of each of them is the same. They are all loving and selfless (and patient...).

Grey Street was a constant song that played about 6 years ago during a pretty bad break-up and last year I played it for a friend who went through an equally devastating break-up and she played it over and over again...

I guess the way I feel right now is sort of "on the brink"...not sure of what...isn't that funny? I did a super big clean-up in my whole house today for no apparent reason actually...I am not expecting company, my dog just had majoy leg surgery, and there was really not a motivation to do so...I just did. I feel that change is coming...

I remember sitting in Miami last year at my former company's sales meeting at dinner looking around thinking, "this is going to be my last meeting." It wasn't a question; it was a statement; it was definitive. I didn't have any interviews or anything, I just knew deep down, I just knew. I think we all know when big things are upon us.

I always find it interesting when people say before a baby is born, "there are so few surprises in life"...really??? Seriously??? I don't know...as of late, I find that interesting...

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me...

I just heard this song yesterday while I was getting music at my parent's house. It's "I'm Moving On" by Rascal Flatts. What a fantastic song! It really struck a nerve with me and it is a beautiful applicable song.
Moving on is something I am doing these days....life is patiently waiting for me. It's a lovely thought.
Change is exhilarating yet, it's the fear of the unknown. Typically, I am MORE THAN ready for changes when they arise (moving out of my parents, moving into my OWN house, new job, new car, even new furniture...). And TYPICALLY, when I am done with a relationship, I am done and completely through. With the exception of B, I have never had a "re-run". When it is over, it is over and I can completely detach. I can even go out for drinks, dinner, or hang out at parties with those I have dated sans emotions and actually would get antsy thinking that they may read into hanging out as something more than it is.
This is one that has stumped not only me, but those around me.
Right now, I am trying to regain ME back...my self esteem, my self worth, my confidence, my joy, my pride.
As much as there was some joy in my last relationship, I now realize that a relationship with an alcoholic is having a relationship with someone who does not exist. The man in my brain is not the man that exists. Once I realized that, boy did my brain explode open. I could visualize our wedding, honeymoon, putting together a nursery, hanging out at home with our family, and even him coaching soccer. The realization is that his disease incapacitates that from happening. It is not a reality and I need to start living in the now, not what was or what could be. The reality is that right now, he is so far away from the life I want. And truthfully, it is a life that I have always wanted and hoped and prayed he would meet me there, and sadly it is not the case.
My new successes with work have proved to be a huge barrier for us. When I took my current job, I became fulfilled in ways that I have never known. I can be creative, flexible, and surround myself with amazing people. Sometimes, I am shocked I actually get paid for my job.
All of this came at a time where he was essentially "demoted" on medical issues or something like that and had to move back home in with his family for several months to share a room with his brother again (had a custom built house in a city 5 hours away) and instead of working in outside sales/marketing sat at a desk in a cubicle. For the past 4 years, he always made more money than me and had a better job than me. Now the tables have turned. I now make more money and have a better job. This has created, I believe, a big divide between us (among other things).
I took several days not speaking to him and got some clarity in therapy and talking to some friends. It's almost like a switch went off.
I am regaining me back and it feels SOOO good. I am looking for a nice guy who relishes in my success (not makes me feel guilty for it), and respects my choices and encourages me along the way as I would like to do him.
He's out there...and ya know...HE will find me. I am thankful that God created him just for me.
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me...