Babies, Babies, everywhere Babies...life is blessed

What a jump from my last post in regards to my ex and his drinking...I guess a short note about that first.

I suppose the main issue is that I am pleasantly surprised with the involvement his friends and family. Not going to lie, but I did have doubts that anyone would even care. I was very wrong. As it turned out, his father took the helm and we are now (well, to my knowledge...) are not involved. Our contact is limited to simple e-mails or texts (I was SHOCKED to see an e-mail yesterday from him in regards to a situation at my high school). I have no idea what is going on with him, if he is drinking, not drinking, dating, not dating...I have no idea and I am a bit happier that I do not have the stress of him on a daily basis. I made him aware that I now see a psychologist as well as had attended al-anon. I don't know how he feels about that, but it could be part of the reason he wants some distance. I have been on a date since then and am moving on. But honestly, I need to spend some time with me and gain the me that I had lost in the relationship. So much of my time was spent thinking I wasn't "good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, cool enough" and that is no way to think or feel. I suppose if you feel badly about yourself, it sort of reflects towards others. I am looking forward to gaining ME back. She's pretty darn fabulous, pretty, smart, and funny. I can't wait to spend some time with her and get to know her!

So, the baby thing...

In the past two weeks, two friends have had their babies, a boy and a girl. The first baby was born to a dear friend of mine from my previous job. She has a heart of gold and is the kind of friend that will ALWAYS listen and will ALWAYS be there no matter what. She is honest and open but with such a kind way. She has a daughter and just had a son. She was a week overdue and I was excited to get updates and everything (even at 4am! I didn't mind at all...it was so exciting...). He is a beautiful HEALTHY baby and I can't wait to meet him next month. I wish I lived closer as she lives in upstate NY and it's a bit of a hike. We try to get together about 3/4 times a year. I am truly blessed to have her in my life.

My Monday was completely and utterly crazy. I kicked off my week super early in therapy (kind of really digging my therapist). It was rainy, gross, and cold. As I came home I took a call from said friend above. She asked if I had a few minutes to speak and then asked me if I would be the godmother of her new baby son. I was truly honored and it brought me to tears. It was such a blessing to be asked to be the spiritual role model for someones child. I take it as a very serious job and will do my best to be a great spiritual guidance for him. The rest of the day I worked from home putting together e-mails and expense reports. I chatted with San Francisco (will explain him later) for quite some time and talked a lot about work and threw ideas out when I get a call from my very best friend. It was actually her husband who said three sweet words to me: It's A Girl.

It's A Girl.

For some reason, I burst into tears and continued to cry for hours intermittently. I could not stop. My heart suddenly overfilled with love. I had love for this sweet baby girl who was about 2 hours old that overtook me. I had never met her, heard her name, heard her sweet cry, but I loved her so much it filled my heart and I was bursting. My best friend has been my best friend since I was 14. She is the closest thing I have to a sister, and vice versa. I was maid of honor at her wedding. She had gone through a pretty rough c-section and had not even spent time with princess baby girl and I was told to come the following morning. So of course I had to do SOMETHING...I shopped. I shopped hard and told anyone that would listen that I had a niece. I have a fierce love for this baby girl.

The moment I laid eyes on her, it was instant love. I could stare at her for hours. It is hard to explain. It was very much like the song, "I Saw God Today". You cannot question the true blessing and miracle that I held in my arms.

I can't even imagine what it is going to be like when I have my own children.

There is something about a daughter that is so very special. I find to have a daughter is the ultimate gift from God. Part of me, to be honest (and let's face it, it is anonymous) I don't necessarily know if I will have a daughter/be worthy of a daughter. I am almost afraid to expect that God would bless me with such a gift and part of me is afraid that I am not worthy of a daughter. In whatever capacity my children come from (bio, adoption, or the ULTIMATE BOTH!), they will be blessings for me.

I am not going to try to pretend to understand why I am not a mom yet, it is just so, and that is the way it is evidently supposed to be because it is what is the reality. Part of me thinks that if I became a mom 5 years ago, I would not have NEARLY an ounce of the appreciation of motherhood as I do now. Every moment, every single day, every minute while waiting for my first child I will not take for granted and see what a true blessing he/she is. The timing has to be perfect and part of the greater plan for my life. I will be a mom. There is no question. How I will get there is still yet to be determined, but I guess that is the fun part!

So many people have told me, "You are a natural! You should have your own!" I am also more cognisant of comments I make to people. Random comments can be perceived as digs and are sometimes hurtful.

I was told a couple of weeks ago by a dear friend, "You know, yes, you are stressed about B, but you have a WONDERFUL life...focus on that."

She is completely right. I have an abundance of love and fabulousness in my life. I had asked my friend who asked me to be the godmother of her son, "how did I get so richly blessed?"

Her response: "With love that comes full circle..." :)

Is my life perfect? Do I have struggles? Yes, I do...but my focus right now is what I do have not what I don't. I have everything I need and I have the courage and faith to deal with the cards that will be inevitably laid at my doorstep one day.

Is this really my life?

I was hoping to make this blog about my crazy dating stories (which there is no shortage of..) and the silly dramas that occur in my life.

Sometimes things don't go as planned I suppose.

Right now, I am dealing with something very real and very serious.

I have now become part of an Intervention involving the love of my life.

He is an alcoholic and needs help or he will die. It is simple as that.

Even writing those words sting like nothing else.

I have gotten mixed opinions when it has to deal with him. We are not married or have children (we sort of share the dog...). We are no longer dating. The majority of people say-walk away and walk away fast. Boy is that something I would love to do. Wouldn't that make my life easier? Abso-freakin-lutely! But let me ask this, would you walk away from someone you love when they are ill? Of course not. What I have learned over the past few months about alcoholism is that it is an illness. This is not a character flaw or a weakness in character. This is a disease that only can be treated with an intervention and treatment.

I guess I should back up and give a bit of a re-cap. Two weekends ago, I was in bed after a full day of baby shower fun and was planning a nice Sunday when i get a phone call from one of B's best friends around midnight. B wanted to come over. In my little optomistic mind, I genuinely thought he wanted to hang out and spend time with the dog and me. Stupid stupid me.

As soon as he got out of the car, I smelled the booze. He came in and fought with me in the kitchen over the refridgerator trying to find beer. He was so drunk that he missed the several bottles of wine staring him in the face.

The night to say the least was a circus. He would pass out and then wake up and apologize over and over and over and over and over again with "I'm sorry ad nauseum". At some point in the night he grabbed me and held me and said how much he loved me and wanted to hold me.

It's at these moments that the alcoholics screw with our brains. In that moment, I chose to believe him.

The night was full of chaos to the point that at 5:30 the dog and I fell asleep on the couch in the living room. At around 8am I went back upstairs and he appeared to have sobered up. We laughed and ironically had a good time, again, pretending that this was "normal".

That afternoon I dropped him off at his car and drove back to my house and I just didn't feel good about myself. Something was off kilter. I knew I needed to so something and act. I contacted the friend who dropped him off at my house and I come to find out he drove from the city to the suburbs drunk. That was the nail on the coffin. I contacted an addictions counselor and gathered as much information I could on alcoholism. I also found a good therapist as this has taken a toll on me tremendously. I attended another an-anon meeting and contacted his best friends. They had been trying to individually speak with him since November to obviously no success. For all intents and purposes, we divided and conquered. We divided who would contact who and keep it to his core group of friends and his oldest brother. There is 7 of us in total (I am the only girl). Calling his brother was my job today. He called me back as soon as he left work. He was extremely nice and has already been contacted by one of the other 6 and is completely on board.

The scary part of this, as we have all gotten together, we realize how much in the dark all of us actually are. I made the statement that I only know 1/8 of what really happens in B's life when his brother said, "well, that means I only know 1/16".

That is scary.

I thought he had a tremendous insight as to what was going on. In all actuality, we are all in the dark and have been kept compartmentalized.

This is not something that should be taken lightly and while I sat on the couch in my new therapists office I stopped talking and said, "Oh my God. I am in a therapist's office talking about B's alcoholism. This is real. This is no joke. This is my life."

The risk we are all taking is that B can completely hate us and resent us. When speaking with one of his friends today, I expressed my concern (as B is furious with me as I have been pushing him and talking about his drinking to which he says, "just leave it alone; I'm handling it; our relationship is unhealthy and unproductive so we need to go our separate ways"). His friend said in no uncertain terms, that he doesn't care if he is pissed. We are saving his life.

I think he knows something is going on.

Tomorrow morning is a big deal, as his brother is having breakfast with his dad. The father is going to be a key player in this and how this goes down.

I hate doing this behind his back and he would be beyond furious if he knew. He will be furious with all of us. This is beyond hard for me. I never thought this would be my life.

Maybe he is my greatest teacher; although, I never thought this was going to be how he was going to teach me.

I am surprised at my candor with his brother this afternoon. I had no qualms in telling him how much I loved his brother. There was no hesitation or regret. It just came out and there was no shock on his end. That surprised me as I didn't think he even knew I was a part of B's life anymore, but he knows, apparently they all do.

I know the big job is to come.

Who knew that I would be able to/have the power (and let's face it, the BALLS) to set up this intervention and get the help he needs. The few DUI's, public drunkedness, etc. It has to stop. We have to stop enabling him. It is a great feeling not to feel alone.

For some reason, this brings me a tremendous amount of "closure". I don't know if that is the correct word, but it brings value to our "relationship". I am no longer 1/8. I am fully in it. We all are. I am not showing my love by a text message, letter, phone call, or dinner. I suppose this defines "tough love".

I can tell you this much: It most certainly is tough and is apparet that it is love.

True love is not the easy stuff. True love is not the pretty ring, big wedding, expensive dinner, nice car, etc.

Regardless that I am not married, I am starting to realize what true love is. It's caring so deeply for another human being that you risk your personal ties/relationship with them to save their life if that's what it takes.