I was hoping to make this blog about my crazy dating stories (which there is no shortage of..) and the silly dramas that occur in my life.
Sometimes things don't go as planned I suppose.
Right now, I am dealing with something very real and very serious.
I have now become part of an Intervention involving the love of my life.
He is an alcoholic and needs help or he will die. It is simple as that.
Even writing those words sting like nothing else.
I have gotten mixed opinions when it has to deal with him. We are not married or have children (we sort of share the dog...). We are no longer dating. The majority of people say-walk away and walk away fast. Boy is that something I would love to do. Wouldn't that make my life easier? Abso-freakin-lutely! But let me ask this, would you walk away from someone you love when they are ill? Of course not. What I have learned over the past few months about alcoholism is that it is an illness. This is not a character flaw or a weakness in character. This is a disease that only can be treated with an intervention and treatment.
I guess I should back up and give a bit of a re-cap. Two weekends ago, I was in bed after a full day of baby shower fun and was planning a nice Sunday when i get a phone call from one of B's best friends around midnight. B wanted to come over. In my little optomistic mind, I genuinely thought he wanted to hang out and spend time with the dog and me. Stupid stupid me.
As soon as he got out of the car, I smelled the booze. He came in and fought with me in the kitchen over the refridgerator trying to find beer. He was so drunk that he missed the several bottles of wine staring him in the face.
The night to say the least was a circus. He would pass out and then wake up and apologize over and over and over and over and over again with "I'm sorry ad nauseum". At some point in the night he grabbed me and held me and said how much he loved me and wanted to hold me.
It's at these moments that the alcoholics screw with our brains. In that moment, I chose to believe him.
The night was full of chaos to the point that at 5:30 the dog and I fell asleep on the couch in the living room. At around 8am I went back upstairs and he appeared to have sobered up. We laughed and ironically had a good time, again, pretending that this was "normal".
That afternoon I dropped him off at his car and drove back to my house and I just didn't feel good about myself. Something was off kilter. I knew I needed to so something and act. I contacted the friend who dropped him off at my house and I come to find out he drove from the city to the suburbs drunk. That was the nail on the coffin. I contacted an addictions counselor and gathered as much information I could on alcoholism. I also found a good therapist as this has taken a toll on me tremendously. I attended another an-anon meeting and contacted his best friends. They had been trying to individually speak with him since November to obviously no success. For all intents and purposes, we divided and conquered. We divided who would contact who and keep it to his core group of friends and his oldest brother. There is 7 of us in total (I am the only girl). Calling his brother was my job today. He called me back as soon as he left work. He was extremely nice and has already been contacted by one of the other 6 and is completely on board.
The scary part of this, as we have all gotten together, we realize how much in the dark all of us actually are. I made the statement that I only know 1/8 of what really happens in B's life when his brother said, "well, that means I only know 1/16".
That is scary.
I thought he had a tremendous insight as to what was going on. In all actuality, we are all in the dark and have been kept compartmentalized.
This is not something that should be taken lightly and while I sat on the couch in my new therapists office I stopped talking and said, "Oh my God. I am in a therapist's office talking about B's alcoholism. This is real. This is no joke. This is my life."
The risk we are all taking is that B can completely hate us and resent us. When speaking with one of his friends today, I expressed my concern (as B is furious with me as I have been pushing him and talking about his drinking to which he says, "just leave it alone; I'm handling it; our relationship is unhealthy and unproductive so we need to go our separate ways"). His friend said in no uncertain terms, that he doesn't care if he is pissed. We are saving his life.
I think he knows something is going on.
Tomorrow morning is a big deal, as his brother is having breakfast with his dad. The father is going to be a key player in this and how this goes down.
I hate doing this behind his back and he would be beyond furious if he knew. He will be furious with all of us. This is beyond hard for me. I never thought this would be my life.
Maybe he is my greatest teacher; although, I never thought this was going to be how he was going to teach me.
I am surprised at my candor with his brother this afternoon. I had no qualms in telling him how much I loved his brother. There was no hesitation or regret. It just came out and there was no shock on his end. That surprised me as I didn't think he even knew I was a part of B's life anymore, but he knows, apparently they all do.
I know the big job is to come.
Who knew that I would be able to/have the power (and let's face it, the BALLS) to set up this intervention and get the help he needs. The few DUI's, public drunkedness, etc. It has to stop. We have to stop enabling him. It is a great feeling not to feel alone.
For some reason, this brings me a tremendous amount of "closure". I don't know if that is the correct word, but it brings value to our "relationship". I am no longer 1/8. I am fully in it. We all are. I am not showing my love by a text message, letter, phone call, or dinner. I suppose this defines "tough love".
I can tell you this much: It most certainly is tough and is apparet that it is love.
True love is not the easy stuff. True love is not the pretty ring, big wedding, expensive dinner, nice car, etc.
Regardless that I am not married, I am starting to realize what true love is. It's caring so deeply for another human being that you risk your personal ties/relationship with them to save their life if that's what it takes.
No comments:
Post a Comment