What a jump from my last post in regards to my ex and his drinking...I guess a short note about that first.
I suppose the main issue is that I am pleasantly surprised with the involvement his friends and family. Not going to lie, but I did have doubts that anyone would even care. I was very wrong. As it turned out, his father took the helm and we are now (well, to my knowledge...) are not involved. Our contact is limited to simple e-mails or texts (I was SHOCKED to see an e-mail yesterday from him in regards to a situation at my high school). I have no idea what is going on with him, if he is drinking, not drinking, dating, not dating...I have no idea and I am a bit happier that I do not have the stress of him on a daily basis. I made him aware that I now see a psychologist as well as had attended al-anon. I don't know how he feels about that, but it could be part of the reason he wants some distance. I have been on a date since then and am moving on. But honestly, I need to spend some time with me and gain the me that I had lost in the relationship. So much of my time was spent thinking I wasn't "good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, cool enough" and that is no way to think or feel. I suppose if you feel badly about yourself, it sort of reflects towards others. I am looking forward to gaining ME back. She's pretty darn fabulous, pretty, smart, and funny. I can't wait to spend some time with her and get to know her!
So, the baby thing...
In the past two weeks, two friends have had their babies, a boy and a girl. The first baby was born to a dear friend of mine from my previous job. She has a heart of gold and is the kind of friend that will ALWAYS listen and will ALWAYS be there no matter what. She is honest and open but with such a kind way. She has a daughter and just had a son. She was a week overdue and I was excited to get updates and everything (even at 4am! I didn't mind at all...it was so exciting...). He is a beautiful HEALTHY baby and I can't wait to meet him next month. I wish I lived closer as she lives in upstate NY and it's a bit of a hike. We try to get together about 3/4 times a year. I am truly blessed to have her in my life.
My Monday was completely and utterly crazy. I kicked off my week super early in therapy (kind of really digging my therapist). It was rainy, gross, and cold. As I came home I took a call from said friend above. She asked if I had a few minutes to speak and then asked me if I would be the godmother of her new baby son. I was truly honored and it brought me to tears. It was such a blessing to be asked to be the spiritual role model for someones child. I take it as a very serious job and will do my best to be a great spiritual guidance for him. The rest of the day I worked from home putting together e-mails and expense reports. I chatted with San Francisco (will explain him later) for quite some time and talked a lot about work and threw ideas out when I get a call from my very best friend. It was actually her husband who said three sweet words to me: It's A Girl.
It's A Girl.
For some reason, I burst into tears and continued to cry for hours intermittently. I could not stop. My heart suddenly overfilled with love. I had love for this sweet baby girl who was about 2 hours old that overtook me. I had never met her, heard her name, heard her sweet cry, but I loved her so much it filled my heart and I was bursting. My best friend has been my best friend since I was 14. She is the closest thing I have to a sister, and vice versa. I was maid of honor at her wedding. She had gone through a pretty rough c-section and had not even spent time with princess baby girl and I was told to come the following morning. So of course I had to do SOMETHING...I shopped. I shopped hard and told anyone that would listen that I had a niece. I have a fierce love for this baby girl.
The moment I laid eyes on her, it was instant love. I could stare at her for hours. It is hard to explain. It was very much like the song, "I Saw God Today". You cannot question the true blessing and miracle that I held in my arms.
I can't even imagine what it is going to be like when I have my own children.
There is something about a daughter that is so very special. I find to have a daughter is the ultimate gift from God. Part of me, to be honest (and let's face it, it is anonymous) I don't necessarily know if I will have a daughter/be worthy of a daughter. I am almost afraid to expect that God would bless me with such a gift and part of me is afraid that I am not worthy of a daughter. In whatever capacity my children come from (bio, adoption, or the ULTIMATE BOTH!), they will be blessings for me.
I am not going to try to pretend to understand why I am not a mom yet, it is just so, and that is the way it is evidently supposed to be because it is what is the reality. Part of me thinks that if I became a mom 5 years ago, I would not have NEARLY an ounce of the appreciation of motherhood as I do now. Every moment, every single day, every minute while waiting for my first child I will not take for granted and see what a true blessing he/she is. The timing has to be perfect and part of the greater plan for my life. I will be a mom. There is no question. How I will get there is still yet to be determined, but I guess that is the fun part!
So many people have told me, "You are a natural! You should have your own!" I am also more cognisant of comments I make to people. Random comments can be perceived as digs and are sometimes hurtful.
I was told a couple of weeks ago by a dear friend, "You know, yes, you are stressed about B, but you have a WONDERFUL life...focus on that."
She is completely right. I have an abundance of love and fabulousness in my life. I had asked my friend who asked me to be the godmother of her son, "how did I get so richly blessed?"
Her response: "With love that comes full circle..." :)
Is my life perfect? Do I have struggles? Yes, I do...but my focus right now is what I do have not what I don't. I have everything I need and I have the courage and faith to deal with the cards that will be inevitably laid at my doorstep one day.
