Bad Decisions

Soooo, going to cut to the point. I have a wedding to attend in August. August 1st to be exact. I just realized that I did not have a date. I was at the shower and realized I needed a date. I immediately scroll my phone/address book. Married, bad break up, will get the wrong idea, haven't talked to him in ages, NOT wedding material, lives far away, maybe...nah..would be weird...

Sooooo, hashed it over with some friends. Everyone in my world said an EMPHATIC NO to bringing B. I think Empatic is actually an understatement. In fact, one girlfriend would prefer I bring a prisioner that was on parole over bringing B.

For a couple of weeks now, one of my girlfriends got on Match.com in lieu of me. She clearly stated that she was my friend and was screening men for me. She is having a complete blast. This was in response to when I asked B if he wanted to date again and he said no. He had no interest and didn't want to do it. It stung, and despite him saying it was not easy for him to say to me, it was for the best. I have to move on...he gave me permission to do so. I started seeing a therapist a few months back and has been great. She is not terribly judgemental and gives good suggestions and thoughts.

So I went on two dates via my good friend (H). The first guy and I spent hours on the phone chatting up. We totally clicked despite knowing full well, he not only knew B, BUT rowed with him...oh yeah...seriously. I am not joking. This is my life. I cannot CANNOT get away from him. Somehow, some way, it all comes back to him. In any event, we chatted for like 4 days and then decided to meet for breakfast. To say he misrepresented himself was an understatement. I was not initially attracted to him but thought, ok, MAYBE I could get to like him a bit and "maybe" kiss him. It went all downhill when he said B's last name and got into something regarding the bedroom. I wanted to punch him and his humungo glasses in the face. Clearly that was the end of that...clearly.

I started getting stressed about these dates. Very stressed about these dates. I know I have to do them, and I know I am going to have some good and bad ones. The killer about the bad ones is that it makes me miss B terribly. I mean, get in my car and tear up kind of miss. Then it turns to anger that it is because of him that I am even going on these stupid dates.

Candidate #2 the folowing day was nice. Simple and nice. He didn't light the world on fire or anything and compared himself to Jon Gosselin...which yes, concerned me of his whipping boy qualities. It was a first date and he was kind of cute and very polite. He wrote my friend to thank her for introducing us and called me a bright sunshine. Again, sweet, right? He didn't insult me, my ex, or family. He wasn't offensive and he paid. Not terrible. But still drove off with a tear streaming down my face missing B for all it's worth.

I am dating. Kicking and screaming. But I am dating. And during the dates I am having fun. It's almost like therapy and I sometimes pretend I am on a reality show to take the pressure off. I am learning a bit about myself and what I am looking for and what I do not like. This is not a bad thing. I know this. My brain knows this. My heart...well, my heart is fighting this one tooth and nail. Sometimes I actually feel physical pain from missing him so much. It's not the idea of him, it's him. It's his voice, his jokes, it's his initmate knowledge of knowing me. It has to be forced out of my mind to not head to his house, knock on the door and scream and yell at him for hurting me.

So on to the wedding...

Panic mode set in, and figure ok...let's use stats here...I have asked me to MANY MANY events...ranging from babysitting, dinner, golf, dinner with family, movies, breakfast, etc. and he was declined (or simply not shown up...unless it has to do with the dog, he will always show up for her...).

So I figure I was batting super low...chances of him going to a strangers matrimony ceremony would totally be in the toilet on a sunny August Saturday morning, right? He would be at another wedding, someone's birthday, kidney transplant, someone was planning on dying...a myriad of things! So, what the heck...told him no pressure, no expectations, just us having a good time at a garden wedding...what does he say?? "Sure". The man says sure.

Sure.

Um, ok. After staring at it for what was an eternity. I was speechless. My friends, on the other hand, were not. They had LOTS to say. All in all, no one wants to see me get hurt. And I can't blame them. The fact he agreed is a shock to me...and I have had a couple days now to process it.

We did the friends thing a couple of years ago. In fact, we did it last January. I went to visit him in Pittsburgh and had no thoughts of anything. I fell asleep watching a movie and he carried me two stories to the bedroom. I made sure nothing happened with us eventhough he wanted it to. I turned my back to him. The following night, he got so very drunk that we slept in two separate bedrooms (he slept in the living room...I was so mad). That was the first time we ever did that. Ironically, I got the best night's sleep I ever got in my entire life. I don't remember ever sleeping that soundly. The next day he felt really disappointed in himself and made sure I left on good terms.

We went out a few times as just friends and we have a good time. It's an odd intimacy we have with one another. It's very unique and special.

In any event, so I've got myself this wedding in exactly 32 days. Lots can happen in 32 days. I am nervous to explain this to my therapist Wednesday.

If I find Prince Charming from now till then, I will bring him. I am leaving it in God's hands. It is always in His hands anyway...but really have faith in that He knows what He is doing and will protect my heart always.

Good. Grief.

Michael Jackson...

I was not anticipating feeling the way I feel about the death of Michael Jackson. I was at a Habachi dinner with a few friends when my best friend sent me a text saying: Michael Jackson is in a coma! I wrote back with Oh. My. God. It was then followed by: He's dead!

I immediately got on my Blackberry and tried to Google what the heck happened and like the rest of the world, I was blocked.

I sit, a few hours still stunned. I am not sure why. Granted, I enjoy motown more than the average joe...I always have and always will appreciated the great musical talent he was. I suppose his music brings me amazing memories throughout my life.

I remember when I was first exposed to Michael Jackson. I was about 5 years old. I remember watching the Motown 25 special. I was sitting on the floor with my Smurf tv tray wearing my pink tutu eating and on the screen came a man with a white glove standing on a stage with people screaming. I remember I stopped eating and from the first sound of the base and beat I was captivated. I wanted to hear Billie Jean over and over and over again. Being such a young child, my parents gave me the Chipmunk version of the Thriller album. I played and played and played it. When Bad came out, my dad got the album and I remember playing it on my Fisher Price record player. I would listen to Jackson 5 tapes and dance around. Our family vacations in Florida, we stayed in the same hotel as Michael Jackson and I remember waiting on the balcony seeing if I could catch a glimpse of him and Bubba the chimp.

Growing up now as an adult, I have countless memories of dancing with my friends to his songs in bars and parties. When I met B, Wanna Be Starting Something was playing in the background. Driving to my grandmother's funeral, Will You Be There, gave me comfort. Doing my first 5K, I started each workout with Billie Jean. My good friend loved PYT and I would smile each time I heard it as well as it was playing constantly during my summers at the beach. "The Way You Make Me Feel" used to be B's ring on my phone and would jolt me awake often. Man in the Mirror will always inspire me and I remember when Obama won they played it over and over again.

I think what puts it over the edge was during my time working at the children's hospital I met a truly remarkable young man. He was 13 years old and had cardiomyopathy. He was going to die if he did not have a transplant. What kept him going, each and every day, was his countless videos of Michael Jackson and the Jackson 5. He would watch "ad nauseum" documentaries about Michael and his family and his childhood...he knew every song and every move. He used to get a kick out of me attempting the moonwalk. I had to wait one day at the hospital for my friend and he and I watched the made for tv movie. When my sweet boy passed away, I drove away from the hospital and Jackson 5 came on my radio and I knew he was in heaven. "Gone Too Soon" was a healing piece of music for me during that tough time.

I believe that Michael Jackson's music has touched each one of us.

Rest In Peace, Michael.

Grey Street

So today I found out that Dave Matthews is coming out with a new CD. I swear for some reason, DMB is the only CD I find that I actually purchase. Lionel Richie came out last week and I didn't even buy that!

Dave Matthews Band I think just has a deeper meaning in my life than all the rest. When Dave became popular I was a sophomore in high school. I have WONDERFUL memories of going to concerts in New Jersey on the waterfront with all of my high school friends at the end of the school year. I remember looking up at the stars in the sky and surrounded by all of my girlfriends (and some guys...including B) and thanking God. It was those moments that I remember feeling incredibly free...The wind was blowing from the water, Dave was playing, we were all on the lawn dancing and singing and drinking causing our raucous as usual. I think it's hard to put into words but everyone has had moments like that that make you feel warm and cozy and safe.

This was before text messages, car payments, jobs, babies, husbands, dogs, or basically any responsibility...it was simple. It was pure.

Do I long for those days from time to time? Do I sometimes pop in a Dave CD and turn OFF my cell phone in the car and smile and tear up with emotion? The answer to both is yes.

It's funny how music can really grab you and bring back a flood of emotions...good, or bad, happy or sad.

As I write this with Grey Street playing in the background, I find that maybe one of the reasons I have had a difficult time letting go of B is for the simple fact that he reminds of that time in my life, when things were simple and pure. And perhaps letting him completely go, is letting go of a bit of that simple life, that purity. It's hard to recognize that he is no longer that guy...it's sort of letting go of a dream I suppose...I don't know this new B and that's really hard for me to grasp. The people in my life are indeed my family, good and bad...it is quite the motley crew...no two of them are REMOTELY alike. It actually makes me smile thinking of how diverse they are but put them in a room with some drinks and food and they all get along. I guess there has to be a common ground besides the fact that they all know me and I am not quite sure what it is. Perhaps it is the fact that the core of each of them is the same. They are all loving and selfless (and patient...).

Grey Street was a constant song that played about 6 years ago during a pretty bad break-up and last year I played it for a friend who went through an equally devastating break-up and she played it over and over again...

I guess the way I feel right now is sort of "on the brink"...not sure of what...isn't that funny? I did a super big clean-up in my whole house today for no apparent reason actually...I am not expecting company, my dog just had majoy leg surgery, and there was really not a motivation to do so...I just did. I feel that change is coming...

I remember sitting in Miami last year at my former company's sales meeting at dinner looking around thinking, "this is going to be my last meeting." It wasn't a question; it was a statement; it was definitive. I didn't have any interviews or anything, I just knew deep down, I just knew. I think we all know when big things are upon us.

I always find it interesting when people say before a baby is born, "there are so few surprises in life"...really??? Seriously??? I don't know...as of late, I find that interesting...