Bad Decisions

Soooo, going to cut to the point. I have a wedding to attend in August. August 1st to be exact. I just realized that I did not have a date. I was at the shower and realized I needed a date. I immediately scroll my phone/address book. Married, bad break up, will get the wrong idea, haven't talked to him in ages, NOT wedding material, lives far away, maybe...nah..would be weird...

Sooooo, hashed it over with some friends. Everyone in my world said an EMPHATIC NO to bringing B. I think Empatic is actually an understatement. In fact, one girlfriend would prefer I bring a prisioner that was on parole over bringing B.

For a couple of weeks now, one of my girlfriends got on Match.com in lieu of me. She clearly stated that she was my friend and was screening men for me. She is having a complete blast. This was in response to when I asked B if he wanted to date again and he said no. He had no interest and didn't want to do it. It stung, and despite him saying it was not easy for him to say to me, it was for the best. I have to move on...he gave me permission to do so. I started seeing a therapist a few months back and has been great. She is not terribly judgemental and gives good suggestions and thoughts.

So I went on two dates via my good friend (H). The first guy and I spent hours on the phone chatting up. We totally clicked despite knowing full well, he not only knew B, BUT rowed with him...oh yeah...seriously. I am not joking. This is my life. I cannot CANNOT get away from him. Somehow, some way, it all comes back to him. In any event, we chatted for like 4 days and then decided to meet for breakfast. To say he misrepresented himself was an understatement. I was not initially attracted to him but thought, ok, MAYBE I could get to like him a bit and "maybe" kiss him. It went all downhill when he said B's last name and got into something regarding the bedroom. I wanted to punch him and his humungo glasses in the face. Clearly that was the end of that...clearly.

I started getting stressed about these dates. Very stressed about these dates. I know I have to do them, and I know I am going to have some good and bad ones. The killer about the bad ones is that it makes me miss B terribly. I mean, get in my car and tear up kind of miss. Then it turns to anger that it is because of him that I am even going on these stupid dates.

Candidate #2 the folowing day was nice. Simple and nice. He didn't light the world on fire or anything and compared himself to Jon Gosselin...which yes, concerned me of his whipping boy qualities. It was a first date and he was kind of cute and very polite. He wrote my friend to thank her for introducing us and called me a bright sunshine. Again, sweet, right? He didn't insult me, my ex, or family. He wasn't offensive and he paid. Not terrible. But still drove off with a tear streaming down my face missing B for all it's worth.

I am dating. Kicking and screaming. But I am dating. And during the dates I am having fun. It's almost like therapy and I sometimes pretend I am on a reality show to take the pressure off. I am learning a bit about myself and what I am looking for and what I do not like. This is not a bad thing. I know this. My brain knows this. My heart...well, my heart is fighting this one tooth and nail. Sometimes I actually feel physical pain from missing him so much. It's not the idea of him, it's him. It's his voice, his jokes, it's his initmate knowledge of knowing me. It has to be forced out of my mind to not head to his house, knock on the door and scream and yell at him for hurting me.

So on to the wedding...

Panic mode set in, and figure ok...let's use stats here...I have asked me to MANY MANY events...ranging from babysitting, dinner, golf, dinner with family, movies, breakfast, etc. and he was declined (or simply not shown up...unless it has to do with the dog, he will always show up for her...).

So I figure I was batting super low...chances of him going to a strangers matrimony ceremony would totally be in the toilet on a sunny August Saturday morning, right? He would be at another wedding, someone's birthday, kidney transplant, someone was planning on dying...a myriad of things! So, what the heck...told him no pressure, no expectations, just us having a good time at a garden wedding...what does he say?? "Sure". The man says sure.

Sure.

Um, ok. After staring at it for what was an eternity. I was speechless. My friends, on the other hand, were not. They had LOTS to say. All in all, no one wants to see me get hurt. And I can't blame them. The fact he agreed is a shock to me...and I have had a couple days now to process it.

We did the friends thing a couple of years ago. In fact, we did it last January. I went to visit him in Pittsburgh and had no thoughts of anything. I fell asleep watching a movie and he carried me two stories to the bedroom. I made sure nothing happened with us eventhough he wanted it to. I turned my back to him. The following night, he got so very drunk that we slept in two separate bedrooms (he slept in the living room...I was so mad). That was the first time we ever did that. Ironically, I got the best night's sleep I ever got in my entire life. I don't remember ever sleeping that soundly. The next day he felt really disappointed in himself and made sure I left on good terms.

We went out a few times as just friends and we have a good time. It's an odd intimacy we have with one another. It's very unique and special.

In any event, so I've got myself this wedding in exactly 32 days. Lots can happen in 32 days. I am nervous to explain this to my therapist Wednesday.

If I find Prince Charming from now till then, I will bring him. I am leaving it in God's hands. It is always in His hands anyway...but really have faith in that He knows what He is doing and will protect my heart always.

Good. Grief.