For there is a reason under the sun...

It has been over 5 years since B and I met. In some ways it seems longer and in some ways it seems like the other day. I watch my friends slowly pair up with a partner, have babies and settle down. Often it does take a toll on me wondering WHEN will it be my turn? When will I have the amazing man, the beautiful baby, the stories about breastfeeding, and talking about potty training. WHAT in the world has B given me, except a migraine, gray hair, and bouts of IBS? I have spent a great deal of time thinking about this.
We went to the wedding last weekend. We had an absolute blast; the most fun we have EVER EVER had. I know I have said that before...but I do feel we had a blast. The wedding was beautiful and we had fun dancing, laughing, swimming, and drinking. This is where I become torn and slightly like a hypocrite. We BOTH drank. How can I tell him, no, not you, but I can...it's something that I struggle with.
After the wedding, we went to my parents house and he went to meet my dad for the first time. Looking back I have conflicting views about the fact that the first time he met my dad he was drunk. The longer time passes the more I realize that it was wrong. It was plain wrong. He sat in the family room talking about "our" wedding and he even dropped the "f-bomb" in front of my parents. We went back to my house, ordered pizza and stayed on the couch and chatted. I learned a great deal about him. The deep seeded hurt that he is dealing with, that only HE can deal with...he is not willing to get help or stop drinking...he is depressed.
The following day we spent together watching Jerry Maguire in a bad thunderstorm in bed. It was the sober B.
I am so torn as to how I feel it's crazy...
I think that the only thing I can do now is head to Al-Anon.

Good, Bad, and Ugly

Do you ever wonder why some things are in abundance and some things are scarce?


I often wonder...


Much has happened since my last blog, almost a full month ago.


4th of July came as it always does...never have plans up until the last minute and it is always down in the city (except when down the shore...). I spent the day with my family and dog firming up plans with some good friends to go into the city. I was talking to B often...like really often...there was definitely something different about him and he seemed happier than he had been in quite some time.


I get down to the city and head to this really nice party in Fairmount. Lots of very nice people and PERFECT weather. As I was there the text messages from B start flying in left and right...wanting to know where I was, if I was going to watch Sheryl Crow and the fireworks, etc...overzealous pretty much sums it up...and moreover, a bit exaggerated considering he had said that he was not interested in a relationship. I proceeded to head down to listen to some awesome angry girl music...we had a great time with him in the background texting away finding out where I was,etc.


We decide to watch the fireworks on the roofdeck and in turn meet up with B on the corner before he heads down with his friends. As always, it is great seeing him and so natural. I know his friends and it was nice seeing them as well. I left my phone on the beach chair and perched myself on the corner of the deck so I could see the fireworks...things at this point started smelling "fishy"...he asked me if there was any way I could get someone to watch the dog tonight...really really odd as well as him saying that he was staying at his place that night (remember he lives at home with his siblings and parents about 40 minutes from the city). Hmmmm....halibut perhaps was the smell...I kid...


So after fireworks we met up at the local bar that he and I would go to when we were dating. When I arrived ALL...ALL of his friends were there. Not going to lie...it is always nice being around his friends. They are all funny and always welcoming with me. I have never felt like I didn't belong. Everyone was very happy to see me....hugs all around...some of these guys I have known since I was 14 and great to be around them.


The "halibut smell" continues when there were a few people I did not know...but by golly, B was going to make sure that was to be changed. He would YELL...LOUDLY...to get the attention of the person who had never been graced with my presence...despite them being in conversation, heading to the bathroom, or on the phone...by george, B was going to make sure they met me/presented me is more like it. For instance, this poor guy Phil was in a pretty deep conversation it seemed when B called/yelled "PHIL! PHIL! HEY PHIL!! PHIL!!! This is L."


I know this sounds trite. It probably is, but it brought back so many fond memories for me when we FIRST met and started seeing each other when he would LOVE to introduce me to anyone who would listen...would go over to the OTHER end of the bar to drag someone he knew back in fourth grade to meet me (yes, that actually DID happen...). He always puts his hand on the small of my back when he does it as well and my hand one hand is extended to the person and the other is touching B. It's a well-oiled machine that has been going on for 6 summers now.


I suppose some people take things like that for granted, but those little things we do and know we do and are little habits melt my heart. It's like being wrapped in some sort of soft blanket that you have had for ages...he feels the same way.


One of the people he introduced me to was his cousin, M. I don't know why I had never hung out with her before. She is ridiculously fabulous. I asked B why he had been keeping her away for so long. We clicked immediately. How they are related is beyond me...she is awesome. I was mid conversation and she stopped me mid sentence and said "you are really pretty". I was like, "um...thank you?" and she proceeded to say, "no, you are like REALLY REALLY pretty..." she would look to B to me almost in disbelief. I always find it amusing when that happens and it does happen a few times here and there...moreso when we first started dating years ago ( I was a hot little thing back then!! :)). We would go out and his friends would ask me how much he paid me to be with him. I thought it was funny; I am not sure how he thought.


So, back to 4th (well, now the 5th) of July...


My friends, who were a bit tipsy, went back home and I stayed with B. We had a great time and our group took over the WHOLE block...lots of fun. The only thing was that he was drinking. Definitely not drunk when I got there but I noticed the cell phone never came out but was triple fisting. Still not sure why he feels when I am around the booze comes out...I think it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out.



He mentioned again about someone watching the dog. Finally I asked what his deal was...he said he was staying at his place in Northern Liberties...shocked that I was JUST finding this news and again, not going to lie, my brain started spinning as to decorating it just the way we had planned in Pittsburgh. He started describing it to me and I COULD NOT wait to get my hands on it...FINALLY I thought....on the right track. Sadly, this was not the case. He then broke it to me that he was house/cat sitting for his best friend and new wife while they were on their honeymoon. He proceeded to tell everyone he was living in Northern Liberties. His self esteem is in the toilet. Clearly.

Well, all good things come to an end...end of the night was fast approaching and no one was going to take care of my dog, but me. So I agreed to drop him off at "his house" which was about 20 blocks from my car. It was fine at the time...but when it took almost an hour (no joke) to even FIND my car as we paraded ALL (and I do mean ALL) over Fairmount...streets we didn't even know exisited. It was fun actually...I would squat down to read the street signs through the trees and shout, "almost there!!" and he would respond with "You have been saying that for 10 blocks now! I'm not buying it!" As we were "discussing" one of the last blocks, a couple came out of an apartment building and we chuckling at our banter and the girl turns around saying..."I know you....B!!!!" OF COURSE you do...I mean, why wouldn't you! They went to college together.

By the time we get to my car, I seriously was exhausted. It was close to 3am and all I wanted to do was pee and go to bed. The thought of driving 20 blocks to turn around in the opposite direction home alone at 3am was not appealing to me. As well, as not happening. As he noticed he was heading to my part of the city he protested saying he wanted to stay at "his place".

He ended up at my house...

To sum it up, we spent the night together into the next morning, doing breakfast and then napping downtown while watching a movie...

After that day, I hear nothing from him...for days...for some reason, he picked some small conversation we had and decided to harbor some anger about it. The question was, "Do you like your job? What interests you?" That was it.

Minor drama happened following, but we decided that no longer would we go through the ridiculous drama that was unnessesary...

Bad Decisions

Soooo, going to cut to the point. I have a wedding to attend in August. August 1st to be exact. I just realized that I did not have a date. I was at the shower and realized I needed a date. I immediately scroll my phone/address book. Married, bad break up, will get the wrong idea, haven't talked to him in ages, NOT wedding material, lives far away, maybe...nah..would be weird...

Sooooo, hashed it over with some friends. Everyone in my world said an EMPHATIC NO to bringing B. I think Empatic is actually an understatement. In fact, one girlfriend would prefer I bring a prisioner that was on parole over bringing B.

For a couple of weeks now, one of my girlfriends got on Match.com in lieu of me. She clearly stated that she was my friend and was screening men for me. She is having a complete blast. This was in response to when I asked B if he wanted to date again and he said no. He had no interest and didn't want to do it. It stung, and despite him saying it was not easy for him to say to me, it was for the best. I have to move on...he gave me permission to do so. I started seeing a therapist a few months back and has been great. She is not terribly judgemental and gives good suggestions and thoughts.

So I went on two dates via my good friend (H). The first guy and I spent hours on the phone chatting up. We totally clicked despite knowing full well, he not only knew B, BUT rowed with him...oh yeah...seriously. I am not joking. This is my life. I cannot CANNOT get away from him. Somehow, some way, it all comes back to him. In any event, we chatted for like 4 days and then decided to meet for breakfast. To say he misrepresented himself was an understatement. I was not initially attracted to him but thought, ok, MAYBE I could get to like him a bit and "maybe" kiss him. It went all downhill when he said B's last name and got into something regarding the bedroom. I wanted to punch him and his humungo glasses in the face. Clearly that was the end of that...clearly.

I started getting stressed about these dates. Very stressed about these dates. I know I have to do them, and I know I am going to have some good and bad ones. The killer about the bad ones is that it makes me miss B terribly. I mean, get in my car and tear up kind of miss. Then it turns to anger that it is because of him that I am even going on these stupid dates.

Candidate #2 the folowing day was nice. Simple and nice. He didn't light the world on fire or anything and compared himself to Jon Gosselin...which yes, concerned me of his whipping boy qualities. It was a first date and he was kind of cute and very polite. He wrote my friend to thank her for introducing us and called me a bright sunshine. Again, sweet, right? He didn't insult me, my ex, or family. He wasn't offensive and he paid. Not terrible. But still drove off with a tear streaming down my face missing B for all it's worth.

I am dating. Kicking and screaming. But I am dating. And during the dates I am having fun. It's almost like therapy and I sometimes pretend I am on a reality show to take the pressure off. I am learning a bit about myself and what I am looking for and what I do not like. This is not a bad thing. I know this. My brain knows this. My heart...well, my heart is fighting this one tooth and nail. Sometimes I actually feel physical pain from missing him so much. It's not the idea of him, it's him. It's his voice, his jokes, it's his initmate knowledge of knowing me. It has to be forced out of my mind to not head to his house, knock on the door and scream and yell at him for hurting me.

So on to the wedding...

Panic mode set in, and figure ok...let's use stats here...I have asked me to MANY MANY events...ranging from babysitting, dinner, golf, dinner with family, movies, breakfast, etc. and he was declined (or simply not shown up...unless it has to do with the dog, he will always show up for her...).

So I figure I was batting super low...chances of him going to a strangers matrimony ceremony would totally be in the toilet on a sunny August Saturday morning, right? He would be at another wedding, someone's birthday, kidney transplant, someone was planning on dying...a myriad of things! So, what the heck...told him no pressure, no expectations, just us having a good time at a garden wedding...what does he say?? "Sure". The man says sure.

Sure.

Um, ok. After staring at it for what was an eternity. I was speechless. My friends, on the other hand, were not. They had LOTS to say. All in all, no one wants to see me get hurt. And I can't blame them. The fact he agreed is a shock to me...and I have had a couple days now to process it.

We did the friends thing a couple of years ago. In fact, we did it last January. I went to visit him in Pittsburgh and had no thoughts of anything. I fell asleep watching a movie and he carried me two stories to the bedroom. I made sure nothing happened with us eventhough he wanted it to. I turned my back to him. The following night, he got so very drunk that we slept in two separate bedrooms (he slept in the living room...I was so mad). That was the first time we ever did that. Ironically, I got the best night's sleep I ever got in my entire life. I don't remember ever sleeping that soundly. The next day he felt really disappointed in himself and made sure I left on good terms.

We went out a few times as just friends and we have a good time. It's an odd intimacy we have with one another. It's very unique and special.

In any event, so I've got myself this wedding in exactly 32 days. Lots can happen in 32 days. I am nervous to explain this to my therapist Wednesday.

If I find Prince Charming from now till then, I will bring him. I am leaving it in God's hands. It is always in His hands anyway...but really have faith in that He knows what He is doing and will protect my heart always.

Good. Grief.

Michael Jackson...

I was not anticipating feeling the way I feel about the death of Michael Jackson. I was at a Habachi dinner with a few friends when my best friend sent me a text saying: Michael Jackson is in a coma! I wrote back with Oh. My. God. It was then followed by: He's dead!

I immediately got on my Blackberry and tried to Google what the heck happened and like the rest of the world, I was blocked.

I sit, a few hours still stunned. I am not sure why. Granted, I enjoy motown more than the average joe...I always have and always will appreciated the great musical talent he was. I suppose his music brings me amazing memories throughout my life.

I remember when I was first exposed to Michael Jackson. I was about 5 years old. I remember watching the Motown 25 special. I was sitting on the floor with my Smurf tv tray wearing my pink tutu eating and on the screen came a man with a white glove standing on a stage with people screaming. I remember I stopped eating and from the first sound of the base and beat I was captivated. I wanted to hear Billie Jean over and over and over again. Being such a young child, my parents gave me the Chipmunk version of the Thriller album. I played and played and played it. When Bad came out, my dad got the album and I remember playing it on my Fisher Price record player. I would listen to Jackson 5 tapes and dance around. Our family vacations in Florida, we stayed in the same hotel as Michael Jackson and I remember waiting on the balcony seeing if I could catch a glimpse of him and Bubba the chimp.

Growing up now as an adult, I have countless memories of dancing with my friends to his songs in bars and parties. When I met B, Wanna Be Starting Something was playing in the background. Driving to my grandmother's funeral, Will You Be There, gave me comfort. Doing my first 5K, I started each workout with Billie Jean. My good friend loved PYT and I would smile each time I heard it as well as it was playing constantly during my summers at the beach. "The Way You Make Me Feel" used to be B's ring on my phone and would jolt me awake often. Man in the Mirror will always inspire me and I remember when Obama won they played it over and over again.

I think what puts it over the edge was during my time working at the children's hospital I met a truly remarkable young man. He was 13 years old and had cardiomyopathy. He was going to die if he did not have a transplant. What kept him going, each and every day, was his countless videos of Michael Jackson and the Jackson 5. He would watch "ad nauseum" documentaries about Michael and his family and his childhood...he knew every song and every move. He used to get a kick out of me attempting the moonwalk. I had to wait one day at the hospital for my friend and he and I watched the made for tv movie. When my sweet boy passed away, I drove away from the hospital and Jackson 5 came on my radio and I knew he was in heaven. "Gone Too Soon" was a healing piece of music for me during that tough time.

I believe that Michael Jackson's music has touched each one of us.

Rest In Peace, Michael.

Grey Street

So today I found out that Dave Matthews is coming out with a new CD. I swear for some reason, DMB is the only CD I find that I actually purchase. Lionel Richie came out last week and I didn't even buy that!

Dave Matthews Band I think just has a deeper meaning in my life than all the rest. When Dave became popular I was a sophomore in high school. I have WONDERFUL memories of going to concerts in New Jersey on the waterfront with all of my high school friends at the end of the school year. I remember looking up at the stars in the sky and surrounded by all of my girlfriends (and some guys...including B) and thanking God. It was those moments that I remember feeling incredibly free...The wind was blowing from the water, Dave was playing, we were all on the lawn dancing and singing and drinking causing our raucous as usual. I think it's hard to put into words but everyone has had moments like that that make you feel warm and cozy and safe.

This was before text messages, car payments, jobs, babies, husbands, dogs, or basically any responsibility...it was simple. It was pure.

Do I long for those days from time to time? Do I sometimes pop in a Dave CD and turn OFF my cell phone in the car and smile and tear up with emotion? The answer to both is yes.

It's funny how music can really grab you and bring back a flood of emotions...good, or bad, happy or sad.

As I write this with Grey Street playing in the background, I find that maybe one of the reasons I have had a difficult time letting go of B is for the simple fact that he reminds of that time in my life, when things were simple and pure. And perhaps letting him completely go, is letting go of a bit of that simple life, that purity. It's hard to recognize that he is no longer that guy...it's sort of letting go of a dream I suppose...I don't know this new B and that's really hard for me to grasp. The people in my life are indeed my family, good and bad...it is quite the motley crew...no two of them are REMOTELY alike. It actually makes me smile thinking of how diverse they are but put them in a room with some drinks and food and they all get along. I guess there has to be a common ground besides the fact that they all know me and I am not quite sure what it is. Perhaps it is the fact that the core of each of them is the same. They are all loving and selfless (and patient...).

Grey Street was a constant song that played about 6 years ago during a pretty bad break-up and last year I played it for a friend who went through an equally devastating break-up and she played it over and over again...

I guess the way I feel right now is sort of "on the brink"...not sure of what...isn't that funny? I did a super big clean-up in my whole house today for no apparent reason actually...I am not expecting company, my dog just had majoy leg surgery, and there was really not a motivation to do so...I just did. I feel that change is coming...

I remember sitting in Miami last year at my former company's sales meeting at dinner looking around thinking, "this is going to be my last meeting." It wasn't a question; it was a statement; it was definitive. I didn't have any interviews or anything, I just knew deep down, I just knew. I think we all know when big things are upon us.

I always find it interesting when people say before a baby is born, "there are so few surprises in life"...really??? Seriously??? I don't know...as of late, I find that interesting...

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me...

I just heard this song yesterday while I was getting music at my parent's house. It's "I'm Moving On" by Rascal Flatts. What a fantastic song! It really struck a nerve with me and it is a beautiful applicable song.
Moving on is something I am doing these days....life is patiently waiting for me. It's a lovely thought.
Change is exhilarating yet, it's the fear of the unknown. Typically, I am MORE THAN ready for changes when they arise (moving out of my parents, moving into my OWN house, new job, new car, even new furniture...). And TYPICALLY, when I am done with a relationship, I am done and completely through. With the exception of B, I have never had a "re-run". When it is over, it is over and I can completely detach. I can even go out for drinks, dinner, or hang out at parties with those I have dated sans emotions and actually would get antsy thinking that they may read into hanging out as something more than it is.
This is one that has stumped not only me, but those around me.
Right now, I am trying to regain ME back...my self esteem, my self worth, my confidence, my joy, my pride.
As much as there was some joy in my last relationship, I now realize that a relationship with an alcoholic is having a relationship with someone who does not exist. The man in my brain is not the man that exists. Once I realized that, boy did my brain explode open. I could visualize our wedding, honeymoon, putting together a nursery, hanging out at home with our family, and even him coaching soccer. The realization is that his disease incapacitates that from happening. It is not a reality and I need to start living in the now, not what was or what could be. The reality is that right now, he is so far away from the life I want. And truthfully, it is a life that I have always wanted and hoped and prayed he would meet me there, and sadly it is not the case.
My new successes with work have proved to be a huge barrier for us. When I took my current job, I became fulfilled in ways that I have never known. I can be creative, flexible, and surround myself with amazing people. Sometimes, I am shocked I actually get paid for my job.
All of this came at a time where he was essentially "demoted" on medical issues or something like that and had to move back home in with his family for several months to share a room with his brother again (had a custom built house in a city 5 hours away) and instead of working in outside sales/marketing sat at a desk in a cubicle. For the past 4 years, he always made more money than me and had a better job than me. Now the tables have turned. I now make more money and have a better job. This has created, I believe, a big divide between us (among other things).
I took several days not speaking to him and got some clarity in therapy and talking to some friends. It's almost like a switch went off.
I am regaining me back and it feels SOOO good. I am looking for a nice guy who relishes in my success (not makes me feel guilty for it), and respects my choices and encourages me along the way as I would like to do him.
He's out there...and ya know...HE will find me. I am thankful that God created him just for me.
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me...

Babies, Babies, everywhere Babies...life is blessed

What a jump from my last post in regards to my ex and his drinking...I guess a short note about that first.

I suppose the main issue is that I am pleasantly surprised with the involvement his friends and family. Not going to lie, but I did have doubts that anyone would even care. I was very wrong. As it turned out, his father took the helm and we are now (well, to my knowledge...) are not involved. Our contact is limited to simple e-mails or texts (I was SHOCKED to see an e-mail yesterday from him in regards to a situation at my high school). I have no idea what is going on with him, if he is drinking, not drinking, dating, not dating...I have no idea and I am a bit happier that I do not have the stress of him on a daily basis. I made him aware that I now see a psychologist as well as had attended al-anon. I don't know how he feels about that, but it could be part of the reason he wants some distance. I have been on a date since then and am moving on. But honestly, I need to spend some time with me and gain the me that I had lost in the relationship. So much of my time was spent thinking I wasn't "good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, cool enough" and that is no way to think or feel. I suppose if you feel badly about yourself, it sort of reflects towards others. I am looking forward to gaining ME back. She's pretty darn fabulous, pretty, smart, and funny. I can't wait to spend some time with her and get to know her!

So, the baby thing...

In the past two weeks, two friends have had their babies, a boy and a girl. The first baby was born to a dear friend of mine from my previous job. She has a heart of gold and is the kind of friend that will ALWAYS listen and will ALWAYS be there no matter what. She is honest and open but with such a kind way. She has a daughter and just had a son. She was a week overdue and I was excited to get updates and everything (even at 4am! I didn't mind at all...it was so exciting...). He is a beautiful HEALTHY baby and I can't wait to meet him next month. I wish I lived closer as she lives in upstate NY and it's a bit of a hike. We try to get together about 3/4 times a year. I am truly blessed to have her in my life.

My Monday was completely and utterly crazy. I kicked off my week super early in therapy (kind of really digging my therapist). It was rainy, gross, and cold. As I came home I took a call from said friend above. She asked if I had a few minutes to speak and then asked me if I would be the godmother of her new baby son. I was truly honored and it brought me to tears. It was such a blessing to be asked to be the spiritual role model for someones child. I take it as a very serious job and will do my best to be a great spiritual guidance for him. The rest of the day I worked from home putting together e-mails and expense reports. I chatted with San Francisco (will explain him later) for quite some time and talked a lot about work and threw ideas out when I get a call from my very best friend. It was actually her husband who said three sweet words to me: It's A Girl.

It's A Girl.

For some reason, I burst into tears and continued to cry for hours intermittently. I could not stop. My heart suddenly overfilled with love. I had love for this sweet baby girl who was about 2 hours old that overtook me. I had never met her, heard her name, heard her sweet cry, but I loved her so much it filled my heart and I was bursting. My best friend has been my best friend since I was 14. She is the closest thing I have to a sister, and vice versa. I was maid of honor at her wedding. She had gone through a pretty rough c-section and had not even spent time with princess baby girl and I was told to come the following morning. So of course I had to do SOMETHING...I shopped. I shopped hard and told anyone that would listen that I had a niece. I have a fierce love for this baby girl.

The moment I laid eyes on her, it was instant love. I could stare at her for hours. It is hard to explain. It was very much like the song, "I Saw God Today". You cannot question the true blessing and miracle that I held in my arms.

I can't even imagine what it is going to be like when I have my own children.

There is something about a daughter that is so very special. I find to have a daughter is the ultimate gift from God. Part of me, to be honest (and let's face it, it is anonymous) I don't necessarily know if I will have a daughter/be worthy of a daughter. I am almost afraid to expect that God would bless me with such a gift and part of me is afraid that I am not worthy of a daughter. In whatever capacity my children come from (bio, adoption, or the ULTIMATE BOTH!), they will be blessings for me.

I am not going to try to pretend to understand why I am not a mom yet, it is just so, and that is the way it is evidently supposed to be because it is what is the reality. Part of me thinks that if I became a mom 5 years ago, I would not have NEARLY an ounce of the appreciation of motherhood as I do now. Every moment, every single day, every minute while waiting for my first child I will not take for granted and see what a true blessing he/she is. The timing has to be perfect and part of the greater plan for my life. I will be a mom. There is no question. How I will get there is still yet to be determined, but I guess that is the fun part!

So many people have told me, "You are a natural! You should have your own!" I am also more cognisant of comments I make to people. Random comments can be perceived as digs and are sometimes hurtful.

I was told a couple of weeks ago by a dear friend, "You know, yes, you are stressed about B, but you have a WONDERFUL life...focus on that."

She is completely right. I have an abundance of love and fabulousness in my life. I had asked my friend who asked me to be the godmother of her son, "how did I get so richly blessed?"

Her response: "With love that comes full circle..." :)

Is my life perfect? Do I have struggles? Yes, I do...but my focus right now is what I do have not what I don't. I have everything I need and I have the courage and faith to deal with the cards that will be inevitably laid at my doorstep one day.

Is this really my life?

I was hoping to make this blog about my crazy dating stories (which there is no shortage of..) and the silly dramas that occur in my life.

Sometimes things don't go as planned I suppose.

Right now, I am dealing with something very real and very serious.

I have now become part of an Intervention involving the love of my life.

He is an alcoholic and needs help or he will die. It is simple as that.

Even writing those words sting like nothing else.

I have gotten mixed opinions when it has to deal with him. We are not married or have children (we sort of share the dog...). We are no longer dating. The majority of people say-walk away and walk away fast. Boy is that something I would love to do. Wouldn't that make my life easier? Abso-freakin-lutely! But let me ask this, would you walk away from someone you love when they are ill? Of course not. What I have learned over the past few months about alcoholism is that it is an illness. This is not a character flaw or a weakness in character. This is a disease that only can be treated with an intervention and treatment.

I guess I should back up and give a bit of a re-cap. Two weekends ago, I was in bed after a full day of baby shower fun and was planning a nice Sunday when i get a phone call from one of B's best friends around midnight. B wanted to come over. In my little optomistic mind, I genuinely thought he wanted to hang out and spend time with the dog and me. Stupid stupid me.

As soon as he got out of the car, I smelled the booze. He came in and fought with me in the kitchen over the refridgerator trying to find beer. He was so drunk that he missed the several bottles of wine staring him in the face.

The night to say the least was a circus. He would pass out and then wake up and apologize over and over and over and over and over again with "I'm sorry ad nauseum". At some point in the night he grabbed me and held me and said how much he loved me and wanted to hold me.

It's at these moments that the alcoholics screw with our brains. In that moment, I chose to believe him.

The night was full of chaos to the point that at 5:30 the dog and I fell asleep on the couch in the living room. At around 8am I went back upstairs and he appeared to have sobered up. We laughed and ironically had a good time, again, pretending that this was "normal".

That afternoon I dropped him off at his car and drove back to my house and I just didn't feel good about myself. Something was off kilter. I knew I needed to so something and act. I contacted the friend who dropped him off at my house and I come to find out he drove from the city to the suburbs drunk. That was the nail on the coffin. I contacted an addictions counselor and gathered as much information I could on alcoholism. I also found a good therapist as this has taken a toll on me tremendously. I attended another an-anon meeting and contacted his best friends. They had been trying to individually speak with him since November to obviously no success. For all intents and purposes, we divided and conquered. We divided who would contact who and keep it to his core group of friends and his oldest brother. There is 7 of us in total (I am the only girl). Calling his brother was my job today. He called me back as soon as he left work. He was extremely nice and has already been contacted by one of the other 6 and is completely on board.

The scary part of this, as we have all gotten together, we realize how much in the dark all of us actually are. I made the statement that I only know 1/8 of what really happens in B's life when his brother said, "well, that means I only know 1/16".

That is scary.

I thought he had a tremendous insight as to what was going on. In all actuality, we are all in the dark and have been kept compartmentalized.

This is not something that should be taken lightly and while I sat on the couch in my new therapists office I stopped talking and said, "Oh my God. I am in a therapist's office talking about B's alcoholism. This is real. This is no joke. This is my life."

The risk we are all taking is that B can completely hate us and resent us. When speaking with one of his friends today, I expressed my concern (as B is furious with me as I have been pushing him and talking about his drinking to which he says, "just leave it alone; I'm handling it; our relationship is unhealthy and unproductive so we need to go our separate ways"). His friend said in no uncertain terms, that he doesn't care if he is pissed. We are saving his life.

I think he knows something is going on.

Tomorrow morning is a big deal, as his brother is having breakfast with his dad. The father is going to be a key player in this and how this goes down.

I hate doing this behind his back and he would be beyond furious if he knew. He will be furious with all of us. This is beyond hard for me. I never thought this would be my life.

Maybe he is my greatest teacher; although, I never thought this was going to be how he was going to teach me.

I am surprised at my candor with his brother this afternoon. I had no qualms in telling him how much I loved his brother. There was no hesitation or regret. It just came out and there was no shock on his end. That surprised me as I didn't think he even knew I was a part of B's life anymore, but he knows, apparently they all do.

I know the big job is to come.

Who knew that I would be able to/have the power (and let's face it, the BALLS) to set up this intervention and get the help he needs. The few DUI's, public drunkedness, etc. It has to stop. We have to stop enabling him. It is a great feeling not to feel alone.

For some reason, this brings me a tremendous amount of "closure". I don't know if that is the correct word, but it brings value to our "relationship". I am no longer 1/8. I am fully in it. We all are. I am not showing my love by a text message, letter, phone call, or dinner. I suppose this defines "tough love".

I can tell you this much: It most certainly is tough and is apparet that it is love.

True love is not the easy stuff. True love is not the pretty ring, big wedding, expensive dinner, nice car, etc.

Regardless that I am not married, I am starting to realize what true love is. It's caring so deeply for another human being that you risk your personal ties/relationship with them to save their life if that's what it takes.

The Republican Virgin

Back in October 2007, I was very involved in the Hillary Clinton campaign. I had signs, posters, books, everything Hillary. I met her, went to rallies, got her books signed, and attended at a VERY close proximity her headquarters when she won the state of PA in the primaries.


I come from a family that was/is involved in politics. Growing up, I used to think my father and his father hated each other because after dinners on Sundays they would sit in the living room and have heated discussions about Ronald Reagan. My paternal grandfather worked in the government in a foreign country and was seen in many pictures with the country's leader. One of my first memories as a child was staying home with my dad to watch the Iran Contra Affair...like probably every other 5 year old did in the early 80's...right???


So it was fitting for me to attend the debates that were held here in Philadelphia of the democrats when it was the whole gang (Edwards, Obama, Clinton, Kusinish, Biden, etc..). Before the debates, I met a guy who was a reporter for McCain. He was handsome, and obviously smart. We strike up a conversation on the steps of the building. After the debates, we walked a bit and ended up talking for about a 1/2 hour. We exchanged business cards and that was that.


About a week later, I receive an e-mail from him asking to go to dinner. I said yes and we made plans for that Friday. When the day came, as usual, I had no interest in going, but threw on some makeup, and heels and went.


I knew as soon as I walked in that I wanted to leave. The restaurant was NOT smoke free as the city was at the time and made my eyes water. When I walked in the door I had to pay a $10 cover as well. I had small hopes that "maybe" he would not be there. Oh, but I was wrong.

He was standing there and told me, "I have taken the liberty of getting us a table." I agreed and we sat down. The waitress takes our order and I order my staple "gotta-get-through-it" drink of gin and tonic. He ordered a Magners because he "didn't want to get too crazy". She explained the specials and he made it seem like he was ordering for his Last Supper. When she left, I asked him what he does and why he picked the place he did to live (he lives in a nice suburb of Philly, but VERY family neighborhood and he was a single guy). He explained to me, that at 34 he lived at home with his mom and dad by choice. His mother was a "homemaker" and his dad was a computer guy. His mom cooks all of his meals for him in a balanced way, as well as does his laundry. Immediately, I wanted to leave. This would never EVER work. Not even a little bit. I burn my hand/arm making Elios pizza for God's sake!

Our food came and I kept ordering some gin and tonics and he switched to coffee with 9 sugars in each to which is proceeded to spin his cup while he was talking. When I asked him if he was a serial dater since he was single, he told me that "I can see how one can misconstrue that but that is not the case. In all actuality, I have never been priivied to the touch of a female." as hard as that sentence was to read for you, imagine sitting across from the table when that was being said. As more came out of his mouth, he explained that his craziest moment in his life was his sophomore year of high school on stage crew when he and his friends walked to a pizza place eventhough they had cars.

We had other couples around us STAYING to just see how this played out. When he went to the bathroom, I sent a mass text to all of my friends with the words, "he is a republican virgin who lives at home". EVERYONE was loving it! When the bill came it was placed on the table I reached for it, as I was ready to BOLT from the restaurant. He then offered to pay and I ask him, "Are you sure?" to which he said, "well, at least let's split it." I threw down the money I had left from the cover I had to pay and stood up. He sat spinning his coffee cup over and over without looking me in the eye. He half stood up to bid me fare-the-well and then sat back down to finish his cup of coffee.

I left with a great deal of relief and went to my friend's house for a few glasses of wine to rehash and recap.

This is one of MANY interesting date stories to come...

Bad Dates

The real reason I have been told by several of my friends to start a blog (or a book!) was because of my string of bad/hilarious/bizarre dates. There is a myriad of them and I am not sure where to begin. Each day I will post a story about a date that I had that would make one think I had made it up. The title of my blog refers to the fact that, unfortunately, these experiences did indeed happen to me and brought me where I am today.

Could "he" be my greatest teacher?? Seriously?? Maybe so...

So before I get too much into this, I refer to "him" a great deal. I should really divulge a bit more about "him". I have to be so very careful not to mention who he really is because he has no clue I am even writing a blog (although he wouldn't be shocked...as nothing I do shocks him). I guess the easiest way for me to keep it all straight is to call him B.

To start off, I was not suppose to have even had a relationship with B. Not even a little bit. He was supposed to remain my high school crush and stay in that little high school fantasy world where everyone's high school dreams stay.

I met B for the first time back in 9th grade. He was shorter than me and lighter than me (which was tough since I have always been the smallest in the class). I distinctly remember him walking into my school for a dance (we each went to single sex schools). I looked at him in his eyes and even as a young teenager, I remember him just captivating me. But, we hung in different, yet overlapping circles, and never really had a conversation with him. He claims I never spoke up, and maybe he is right. I was very good friends with his prom date since grade school and left well enough alone.

Through out college, I would see him at parties and I would not think anything of it. I did, though, express to my boyfriend at the time when we would see him how he was my high school crush. He used to tease me about it all the time when we would see him at a party. I used to become all flustered when he was at the same place as I was...he made me so darn girly!

What seemed like eons later (ok, probably 4...), I had gone through a very very rough break-up of a relationship that was headed towards marriage. The last thing on my mind was dating seriously. I wanted a few flings and to just enjoy my life and friends and freedom.

Then came March 13, 2004.

I was out with many of my girlfriends at the cities big festivities for St. Patty's Day. We were having a blast all day. We even were able to get in to a frat house as full grown women.

I had had several glasses of beer and some food and was enjoying my day to the fullest. One of the stops along the way I looked over and saw B with a few girls around him. I pointed and said his full name. He moved his hand to the side of his face to hide it. I thought...MAN what a complete jerk. Later that evening, I divulged to one of his best friends that I had a crush on him. That was all it took. Next thing I know, there he was, holding a conversation with me at the bar in his green golf shirt. I remember it like it was yesterday. He left his friends to come and hang out with my friends. He gave me a kiss that night and I was estatic. In my mind, I figured it would be it. He gave me his number, but would not take mine.

He somehow got my number and called me the following day.

I would love to say: "and they lived happily ever after"...boy is that furthest from the truth!

As the five year mark creeps up to that day, it brings along some great memories and many emotions...it just reminds me of how blessed I am and how you never know what God has in store for you!

Signs, Sign, Everywhere Signs

I'm not going to hide the fact that I seek spirituality in different ways. I have been seeing a psychic for a few years, on a fairly monthly basis. I think part of it has to do with my control issues. I "need" to know what is going to happen next. And I have to say, she has been spot on with many, many things. I cannot discount that. But there is/was an element that lived my life in anxiety "believing" that I already knew what was to come. If it didn't go as calculated, per my psychic then it threw me for a loop and created lots of drama. I think I started to doubt the validity of her predictions on August 18, 2008. It is when I received a phone call that threw me for a loop. "He" called. "He" was moving back to Philadelphia after 3 years of being away. I will have to explain "He" in my next post...but it got me thinking that do we even want to know the future or is it better to let it unravel at will and surprise us along the way. That evening I received the phone call it was the last thing on my mind. "He" sensed I was ticked off at him for I reason I do not know is what my initial thought was. But, no..."He" was calling to tell me he was moving back home. When those words came out of his mouth, it was the first time in 29 years that I burst into tears spontaneously. I was unsure of why I cried it just couldn't stop.

But I digress (which is why I need some sort of platform for this blog as I am all over the place)...

Signs. Right, signs...

Shortly after I received that phone call, EVERYTHING started to drastically change, some at the time, I perceived it to be for the worse, but now, I wouldn't change a single minute, second...none of it...

A few weeks after "he" moved back home, I had an incredibly spiritual afternoon that was completely unexpected. Let me explain...

I worked in sales (and ok, still do to some degree...). My job was to travel to different colleges and organizations to seek out authors as well as promote our products. On this unusually warm fall day I did all I needed to to at this particular school and decided to head back home for a nice run with my dog. As I pull out, the main road was packed, I mean, people were doing u-turns in the middle of the road, so I followed suit. As I was driving the back way home, I passed the cemetery when my paternal grandparents are buried. I stop there maybe 3 times a year. I felt compelled to pull in and stop to see them. The breeze was picking up and I was getting frustrated walking in the mud and dirt desperately trying to find their gravestone as I found it odd that I couldn't find them! Finally, just when I was ready to throw in the towel, I found them. I started praying and just being in silence (which is rare...). I look at the corner of the stone and laying there is a miraculous medal of St. Terese. I look around after I pick it up, and see if anyone is watching this. I take it and call my mom as soon as I jump in the car. I have her google St. Therese. She calls me back and says she is the patron saint of the little flower. She does BIG things in little ways. To know that she is listening to my prayers, I am to see 3 roses. Well, easy! There is a flower shop on Main St. of my little Philadelphia town. So I recruit one of my best friends to walk down to see them. As we walked about 2 blocks, my friend stops me and I see her staring at this house next to us. The front yard was covered in mums, with three single roses in full bloom, were amidst all of the mums. It was totally out of season and I realized that I didn't need to seek them out, they sought me out. It still gives me chills, as it does with everyone else I tell the story, including my friend who I witnessed her hair completely standing up on her arms.

The following day, everything in my life began to turn upside down. The one aspect I had always prided myself in as an adult was my career. I was not only good, but considered among many as one of the best in my field. The following day I was put on a performance plan. The thought still causes minor pains in my abdomen. I was put on a performance plan. It was embarrassing, humbling, disturbing, horrendous, and pretty much my worse nightmare career-wise. Especially with the economy beginning to crumble at this time. Not only was my career crumbling, but so was my health due to the stress. No one in my company (which is mammoth) knew except my supervisor, her supervisor, and then CEO. A few weeks into it, I was working with a senior manager who sensed my tension blatantly asked me if I was on a plan, and when I confessed yes and to please not share that information, he sort of scoffed and said, "Seriously? Who would believe me?" It was true. It was not warranted and there is a deeper meaning behind it than I could ever come up with.

Not to get into too much detail of the horrendousness of that part of my life that lasted 4 months, I ended up landing the perfect job. This job, when someone looks at the description, would peg me instantly for it.

Sometimes you can't see past the "muckety muck" to the good stuff at the end...because it is so worth it.

In case you are wondering, I carry that medal everywhere with me. Whenever I get stressed or uncomfortable, I just have to feel it in my fingers and it reminds me that everything is happening the way it is supposed to. It may not happen in "my" time, but as it so happens, God's time is much better...

Secret to a Happy Marriage: Counseling

So, fairly regularly I bump into people that are quite forthcoming about their lives and also their problems.
I attended a speech given by the mayor of my fine city on Monday night. I was beginning to come down with, what I believe to be, the avian flu. I got there relatively early and found a seat in this beautiful church. I decided to catch up on my e-mail and then cracked open the Bible. An elderly woman squeezed by and wanted to sit next to me, I mean NEXT to me. She was in her late 70's/early 80's and somehow she started talking about her life and her marriage of 57 years to her husband who has full fledged dementia. She explained that she hates to go see him now since he is quite angry and destructive. They have known each other since they were children. She was only a few weeks older than him. She explained that he was a Phi Beta Kappa from Amherst and now he is a man who needs assisted living. They are extremely wealthy and live in a coveted neighborhood in the suburbs of Philly. Their 5 children went to the most elite private schools and went on to successful colleges and careers.
She explained that through out their marriage they dealt with a myriad of health issues as well as alcoholism and habitual smoking. Now, 4 out of her 5 children all live on the west coast and the one lives in Virginia. Their daughter who lives in California no longer speaks to her parents because she disagreed with putting their violent father in assisted living. The one son wants the mother to sell all of her possessions.
She went into detail about the illnesses of her husband. I told her how I thought it must be so hard to see the love of your life go through the illnesses he had. She told me what was worse was watching his mind go and he doesn't even know who she is anymore. She said that it is something that you can never be prepared for.
I asked her the secret to what has made it last and she said, after thinking for a moment: counseling. Counseling saved our lives.
It got me thinking. From the outside, this is a woman you could tell was gorgeous in her hay day, had a very intelligent husband, and a gaggle of children that were highly successful.
What she has now is an empty house. She does not have support of her children, her friends are all very ill, and her husband is fading away in front of her eyes.
People would perceive them to be the perfect family, but scratching at the surface, there is no such thing. Everyone has skeletons, it's just a matter of whether you are good at covering it up or not.

I suppose in our lives are our ups and downs. I am concerned with friends of mine that have never experienced heartbreak or adversity. What goes up, must certainly come down. I had recently told one of my best friends, "When you go through the difficult times, it's hard seeing through the muckity muck to the good stuff at the end." There is always good stuff at the end.

I believe it starts with yourself. At 30, I am now starting to realize who I am and what I want. It has been about 2 months since I started self discovery. I have a long way to go, but so far, 30 has been an incredible year! I am blessed with an abundance of love. My own happiness is in my own control.

High School

I have to say that I did not have a big love life in high school. I went to an all-girls prep school and had a bunch of guy friends but only one real boyfriend in high school. I was fine with it since I was involved in a bunch of different other activities and my friends also were not in serious realtionships with boy either. I was the type of girl that had a few "crushes" but never voiced my feelings. I suppose that I felt they would never give me a second look, which now looking back, I was probably very wrong. I was a few inches shy of 5 feet and barely 100 pounds. I did decent in school and had a fun group of friends. I suppose I was confident in other avenues except the romance department. I would look at guys "from a far" but never told anyone except maybe my best friend. The one boyfriend I had lasted a hot minute. He was very nice but for some reason I just "wasn't that into him" after a few months...I beleive it was right after his Prom and mine. :)
I looked forward to college where I would be able to expand my dating scene and see what happens...
I promise....this may seem boring but as my life progresses it becomes increasingly interesting and full of "sugar and spice"...

The Early Years

I think the first time that I relaized about love, I was in 8th grade. His name was Jay (names have been changed to protect their identity and possible embarrassment!).
Jay was adorable; he was about 2 inches shorter than me with blonde hair and blue eyes. He was my first boyfriend. This was at a time when there was not the internet or text messages or cell phones or even caller ID. He used to call the house and my mother would answer and I would get flustered and be so excited about him calling me. The term "going out" was what we used to define the status of the relationship. My mother used to say "you and Jay are going out, but you really don't go anywhere...neither of you can drive!". I have to say she had a point, but I was crazy about him. We "dated" for about 6 months. He had his best friend dump me on the phone because he wanted to dance with another girl at a dance that I did not attend. I sobbed, I yelled, I called my girlfriends, I vented to my mother, I wrote angry notes, I talked badly about him, I tried to justify why he dumped me, I contrived stories about him in my head, and I then sucked it up and moved on.
16 years later things had not changed. That is when it all began...

Dating

Everyone dates. It is a simple fact and to blog about it seems redundant, right? I have been told by dozens of people to publish some of my dating stories due to the fact that they are ridiculously ridiculous (and that is being kind...).
We date to find "the one". It's such a romantic idyllic idea. To think that if you go out enough with enough people you will EVENTUALLY find your "one". What I have learned recently is that you do not find love; it finds you. Your love life is not a game of chance or probability...I see it, if I had to quantify it, as a game of roulette. These are just my stories of the past 18 years of trying to find the one. Maybe by doing this blog, it will help me figure out more about myself as well as give you a good giggle.
Enjoy!

Hurriedness

Hurriedness-speed, rush, quickness





That word always bothered me. It never seemed like a real word.


At 30, in 2009, that word applies to basically everything in my life. When are you buying that house? When are you going to get married? When are you having babies? When are you going to stop talking to "Him"?


What is the rush? I find that each step along the way, once you get/achieve one piece, everyone always asks about the next step instead of reveling in the present. We are always looking ahead to the next big thing.


I recently got a new job. It is the perfect fit for me. The salary is prefect, the flexibilty is amazing, and the people are intelligent and fun. Once I got this dream job, the obvious became even more apparent. Why are you single?



That is the trillion dollar question that people have asked single women through out time. In the 1950's you were considered an old maid and ended up living with your relatives and/or best friend watching other people's children playing outside (sweeping generalization by the way); in the 1960's and 70's it became a bit easier with the feminist movement and you were considered BFF with Gloria Steinem and didn't need a man to do anything unless you wanted them; the 1980's and 1990's women really kicked butt in the workforce and balanced motherhood and their professions. This decade seems a bit odd. You would think that women would be embraced for being single. That is not the case. If you disagree it would be for one of two reasons: 1. You are not single. 2. You are not friends with a single woman.

First Blog Post

I have wanted to start a blog for some time now and what better time than the present to do so.
To start off, about me...
I am a 30 year old single woman living in Philadelphia. It sounds very Sex and the City, and honestly there could not be more truth to it. I am not sure if I am prone to absurdity or it just follows me, but I have been told over and over that if my friends and family did not know me, they would think my life is fiction.
To say that I live a thrilling life, would be an understatement. Whether it has to do with work, family, or friends, or the biggie-relationships there is a story and for those who do not know me, this is my story.
I suppose it is going to be like most blogs, musings about one's life and events that others can relate to. So I suppose on with the show and welcome to my little world....